Selfless till you're forgotten.

I have come into a very real truth today:
Sometimes you can be so selfless, that people don't even think of you anymore. You aren't considered into plans, your feelings aren't considered and your are forgotten. How you feel, simply doesn't matter anymore.

I have been called to give of myself till I can't gve anymore, and someday the time will come that someone pours into me.

I feel like crap, my lady parts are stabbing me, I'm hungry, and my nephew ate the only thing that I have requested in months. My aunt doesn't care. "Well he only ate 4 ..." Bull.

Nobody cares.

I need mom and dad to get a house. Soon.

Yeah, Stay lovely.
Whatever.
Jen.

The Ache.

Have you ever had your heart feel like it's being ripped out of your chest and crushed? That's where I'm at and I have no idea why.

My heart feels tight, achy. I miss having friends around me, people I can text at midnight and spill my guts about how I feel lonely, tired, and drained. I miss having people that have known me for years. I wish I had some childhood friends.

I love the friends I have in my life. But I'm scared I'm going to end up alone. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I have a pit in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. I'm alone.

I'm not usually one to complain about my feelings, let alone show people how the sad part of my heart is actually quite a bit larger than the sunny part.

The truth is: I'm a little more dark and twistie than bright and shiny. Not on all days, but I am, in fact, very good at blowing the clouds away for a short time so the sun can come out and play.

The other truth: is that I like it when it rains.

Adventure.

Over the next few months, I will be taking a hug step towards becoming the woman God is calling me to be. To walk in the plans that He has laid out for me. To be obedient to His Word and His Calling. To listen to what He is speaking to me. I fully and wholly dedicate this year to Him.

I will choose to believe God has joy, love and laughter for me. That He has amazing plans and a purpose for me. I CHOOSE to believe that there is provision, healing and safety in Him.

I don't want to spend another day filled with fear of the future and filled with uncertainty. God IS good. And we WILL win.

I choose God.
I choose love.
I choose life.

Stay lovely,
Jennifer.

Well.

It's 11:48 and I can't sleep. Maybe it's new sheets, maybe it's a new comforter. Maybe it's a new room, with a new feel. Maybe it's the vicodin I took for my migraine? Oh! Maybe it's the Dr. Pepper I drank, after 5 days of no caffeine. That's it. I promise.


I can't sleep.

Um.

I was just going through my posts, and realized I never posted anything for Jessica.

The young girl we had been looking for, was murdered the following Monday.
RIP Jessica Funk-Haslam. I really hope there is justice. You were so young,
and didn't deserve what happened.

I pray that God continues to touch her family.
I can't imagine what they are still going through,
knowing their daughters killer is still on the lose.

I loved you Jessica, even if it was only for a moment.

Stay Lovely (:
Jennifer.

I started this blog, thinking that it would be a good outlet, and I haven't even taken time to write much. Sad.

A lot has happpened since I wrote last.
I got a job.
It's amazing!
I am the administrative assistant to our Children's Pastor at our church.

God is really cool that way.
And since noone reads this, I feel like I'm talking to myself, but I shall do it anyways.

The next few posts are going to be relatively different.
Bear with me, I have a few different ideas going on in my head,
and I need to get them all down on paper :)

Stay Lovely,
Jennifer

Salt Water.

I haven't had time, really, to blog since my Nana passed away. I can't believe on Friday it will be a month, it doesn't seem possible that time still marches on when you feel like your world has completely stopped.

Lots of things have happened since that day. We buried her, I cried like a baby. My brother went on his first school retreat. I watched as my baby sisters had their last high school musical preformance, which I cried like a baby at the finale also.

I guess I've done a lot of that lately, crying. It's funny. It cleanses, and washes you. It feels good to cry but then again, you also feel kinda silly for crying sometimes. I know I did as I walked up to Carly & Madi, and couldn't hold the tears in.

I think there are good tears and bad tears. Scientist say when you cry cause of pain, or sadness the first tears come from the left side, the right when it's a happy cry. I don't know that they have ever fallen from the right, well, once. When my little cousin, Reese was born. She is the first baby I have cried when I saw and held for the first time. Perhaps it is because I know how long Andrea has waited for a baby? Idk. But I did tear up a little.

Tonight is Stars, so I have to bake.
My little cousins will be very happy about this :)
I'm gonna get back in the habit of writing, I promise!
.... Not that anyone reads this anyways. :)

Stay Lovely :)
Jennifer.

Waiting For The Sun In Room 5112.

Have you ever been up at 6:30 am, after a night of no rest, looking out the window and begging God to let the sun come up just a little early? I have.

This is how my weekend of waiting for the Sun went:

Saturday: I had an amazing Jewelry party with Premier Designs for my friend Shelly. And then we got home, and were relaxing. I hadn't slept well and wasn't really feeling good. My mom told me they were going to be bringing in Hospice for my Nana ... This is where my hopeless feeling of darkness began. Later that night, mom called and said, "Jen, I just wanted you to know ... we are on our way to Sutter with Nana again. They said she has an infection called 'C Diff' (which is a short phrase for a long medical word that I tried to pronounce and couldn't). I'll call you if there is a reason to come" Click. So, let's just say after a few hours, I was leaving the house frantically praying for God to let her wait till I got there.

When I got to the hospital, we went to her little room in the ER. She was barely lucid. She was shaking and in severe pain... They had started her on morphine. Even my cousin, Mark and his wife Jade came to see her. If you know Mark, you know that it is a huge deal that he came. He held her hand, and told her he loved her. He didn't stay long, and we all understood.

     When they moved her to her room, we all knew it probably wouldn't be long ... This is where I am going to do a shout out to all of the nursing and doctor staff at Sutter! Holy COW! They were absolutely amazing. They brought us anything we needed, and cared greatly for my Nana. I have never been so impressed. They knew what they were doing, and they had incredible bedside manner. I love you all so much, you made this so much easier for us. So, back to my story. So we sat, and we waited. I have her breathing etched in my memory. Ready for any change, ready to do whatever it was to make her more comfortable. We waited.

This is the part of the story where we waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. Dad, Mom, Aunt Donna, and Uncle Arlie were all snoring really loud. They were all sleeping ... not well, but sleeping. I couldn't. All I could do is pray, sing and cry. Letting it all out, talking to her. Comforting her. Letting her know we would be there till the end, whenever that was. And I waited longer, waiting for the sun to come up.

Sunday: Sunday morning, everyone was awake as the sun finally came up. 7 am. I wanted to sleep, and since everyone was awake I felt like I could, cause someone else would be there to help her if she started shaking again. My mom told me to go home and get some clothes and try to nap. So I headed for home, took a shower, packed a bag, slept for 3 hours and then went back to the hospital. I didn't sleep again until 7am, I was waiting for the sun.

Monday: I slept until 10 am. Apparently I sleep so deep, that the doctors were making fun of me... People came and went and came and went and I slept on. Nana had her eyes open, not really SEEING anyone but looking at them. She was clearly in pain, so they started a morphine drip around 10 or 11 pm. After she was clearly OUT of pain and resting, I sat by the window .. waiting for the sun.

Tuesday morning at 7am was my time to sleep again. I slept until 10 .. again. It seems like Tuesday was the day of "again"'s. I was up, and talking to my aunt and uncle, and talking to my Nana .. whether she was listening to me or not, I'm not sure. Mom brought us lunch when Nana's breathing began to slow. I laid back down to try to get a little rest. My head had been hurting and I was trying to get rid of the headache. Mom woke me up, and said I needed to come by the bed. She took her last 2 breaths ...

At 4:19 pm yesterday, my Nana was healed of her Alzheimer's. Her hip was healed, her knee's were healed, her infection was healed, and her internal bleeding was healed. Her mind was made clear and she saw Jesus, and her husband who she missed so much, my Papa Bill.


She's home.


♥ I love you Nana. You were always so ornery, so hard headed and so stubborn. I guess I've learned to take my cues from you. We butted heads, we danced in the car, we walked around the block, we sang, we laughed and we cried. You were one of my favorite people in the whole entire world. I always felt so close to you. I always knew you would be there for me whenever I needed you... When your mind started slipping, I could feel it, almost physically. I prayed and prayed, we had seen it healed before. We know God still works miracles. But for whatever reason, He saw fit to have you walk through this.

I have such a sense of relief for her, for us. It seems selfish to say, but I know it's true. I know we aren't the first family to feel the relief of the healing of such an aweful disease, and we won't be the last. There is nothing worse than losing your mind, and then getting sick on top of it with several other things. I believe that there is hope for future Alzheimer's patients. I believe that there will be a cure one day, just as I believe that there will be a cure for cancer.

God healed my Nana in a way that no earthly person could. He paid the ULTIMATE price for her, and restored her to glory.

Nana, Boot Scoot & Boogie you're way through those gold streets. I love you. I love you. I love you.


Rest in Peace, Colene Mooney :: August 21, 1927 - March 20, 2012.


Stay Lovely,

Your Little Pill, Jennifer.

Spiritual Emphasis.

At CCHS there is 2 weeks out of the year, solely devoted to "Spiritual Emphasis". It's been a long time since I have been involved in one... but my senior year was radically changed and impacted by the second week. The first is at the beginning of the school year, and the second is near the end. Today was the first day of the second week, and I sat here during class wondering if what is being said is sinking into these kids.

I have the privileged to serve in a great capacity at this school, with the choir & drama department, more the choir, but occasionally the drama. This school and all the students in it are near and dear to my heart. As an alumni, I think I may be biased. However, some of the students absolutely break my heart. .... I see a lost and confused generation that wants to life self-servingly instead of self-less. I really wish I could reach out to them, but then, I sometimes feel like my hands are tied. They trust me, which is a fact that I am greatly thankful for.

This week, they are showing "The Passion of the Christ".... as they were walking out of Chapel, I looked at their faces, and there was a sad look in their eyes, a quiet reverence, no one spoke. I wonder if this will change a few of their minds. I wonder if they will truly take on the calling that is placed upon them. I wonder if they will fully experience God's love and mercy that is life changing, life sustainable and life giving. My heart broke as several left laughing, going on about their business. Untouched, unapologetic, totally and completely unaware. That's how it came across from the outside. The inside? Is there good ground there to plant a seed? Or is it thorny? or shallow?

My prayer is that God would provide good soil for the seed of his LOVE to fall on. That they would understand His forgiveness and grace isn't something they deserve or they should come to expect. But that His grace and forgiveness and love and mercy are all GIFTS that we are to receive humbly. Its not about us anymore, beloveds! It's about the One who saved us from destruction!!

Pray for these kids this week, pray they will have eyes to see and ears to hear. And a mouth that will sing, and boast of the good God has done.

       Stay Lovely,
                      Jennifer.

"Meet Me At The Cross"

Tonight we had the amazing privilege to meet a young woman named Savannah. She's 13. She goes to a middle school in the area. She was at Capital, looking for her friend who had run away. She told her to meet her at the cross. She was asking people as they came out from Musicale if they had seen her, but everyone had said no and kept on about their way. We stopped and helped her look for about an hour, with the help of some people left on campus. (Thank you Bo and Epic staff). We sang, talked about the Lord and laughed, as we searched for Jessica. Savannah was bold, brave and strong. She declared that she would keep searching, till she found her friend. She was cold, hungry and tired. This girl was THIRTEEN!!!!!! What the heck? All I could think of was "Where is this girls mom? Her dad? Where is someone who loves her? To hug her and let her know it would be ok, and she would be taken care of?" I heard a small voice on the wind, saying "You. You hug her. You let her know. You help her. You warm her. You make her laugh. You reach her. You love her".

I thought of the most dangerous thing that could have happened, if we took her home. I thought, an abusive father, not happy that some Christian lady with no shoes on brought his daughter home. A drunk mother, again, not happy. I thought of the neighborhood we would be taking her home to, and didn't know what would await me there and yet I heard it again "Go. You, go". So, we did.

I drove up to the apartment and parked on the side of the road. There were some men walking towards us, for some reason I felt brave and confident. "No weapon formed against me shall prosper". I walked her to her door and the mom answered. I braced myself for what was going to happen, and my fear was literally spawned from nothing. The mom had some kind of disease where her hands were slightly drawn in. Her glasses were like coke bottles. Her daughter, Jessica was standing beside of her. Savannah was SO relieved to see her friend.

I gave them an encouraging Word, told them I loved them and gave them my number.

What I didn't mention, is that Savannah didn't even know Jessica's last name. She didn't know her moms name. Didn't know her phone number. Didn't know ANYTHING about her friend. She had met her at school the week before. Savannah was willing to risk her health and safety to find a friend who was lost. And she simply said "Meet me at the cross".

We should all be like this, willing to find our lost friends.

I am so thankful for Gods grace and His love and His timing.
Please pray for this family ... God knows what they need ♥

Stay Lovely,
Jennifer.

Poetic.

I have no idea where this came from. Its not very good .... However I am going to go ahead and publish it .... I hope you like it. :)

I feel a fire starting, its burning in my soul.
From a place deep within, drowning out the dark.
Hearing the crackle, feeling the flame..
Its a Holy fire, and it's calling my new name.

They tell me fire is bad, they tell me its from below.
But no one told me how it felt, when He would heal my soul.
It started from the inside out, this fire I've come to know.

Twisting, burning, cleansing from within.
It takes it's toll, & I start to wear thin.

I began to cry out to God, to ask Him to take it away.
Then my eyes open, and I see it in His face,
The truth I've come to see, He has set me free.

No more sadness, no more pain.
No more being defined by earthly gain.
No more believing I'm not worthy,
Believing that He loves me.

Burn away the things You hate,
Let the remnant that remains,
Reflect the sun upon my face,
Let them see Your Son.

Let them see your love and grace,
Dear God, let them see Your face.

Mark of The Lion

I started reading this series, because my cousin lent me the books. Before I started reading them, my dear friend and mentor told me she read them once when she was younger, and then read them again after she had been called to the missions field. She said the first time she read it, she was impacted in a great way, and after she read them the second time, they spoke to her soul in a different way.

I kinda was nervous to start the series, I get very involved in books. Imagining every step they take and move they make. Feeling with them, I throw myself into their stories. Well, as I began to read the first in the trilogy, A Voice in the Wind, I found my heart starting to beat with Hadassah's (a name which I love btw). As her story unfolded I began to feel a change within myself, a change which I think will forever take hold. I felt myself yearning to serve again, at a greater capacity. To accept things as they come as the Will of God for my life. A man may make his plans, but the Lord directs his path ... and that's exactly what I desire ... for the Lord to direct my paths. God, please make the path before me straight so I may see clearly!

I finished the first book last night, and wept, as I am sure Mrs. Francine Rivers did while she was writing it. I had felt fury as the ending took place (which I won't mention incase anyone ever sees this and reads it, don't want to spoil it for you!). I am glad I was alone when the book ended, I didn't want anyone to see my tears that flowed freely for a fictional character!

I've decided it's time for me to start allowing God to write my story, I've always said He is writing my LOVE story, but I'm giving Him the pen for my life story.


Stay Lovely,
Jennifer.

Delicious.

One of my favorite things in the world to do ... is bake and cook. I am SO glad God has gifted me with the ability to use my imagination. Tonight, My brothers came over, and my mom sent cresent rolls, a bowl of meaty spaghetti sauce and a brick of mozerella cheese. It came with a note that said 1 can of Cresent rolls. 350 degrees. 30-40 mins. ............ What in the world was I supposed to do with this?! I felt a little like I was on the tv series "Chopped". Opening that basket, or in my case, Bel-Air brown paper bag, and having no idea what inside was slightly nerve racking ...

So, I put on my thinking cap and came up with "spaghetti rolls".
Take your little triangle of cresent roll dough,
put a bit of cheese in the bottom,
put a small amount of meat sauce in them,
fold the edges around the meat sauce.

Put them in the oven and VOILA!
15 minutes later, we had the BEST mini-calzone type
things ever. I was really surprised they turned out so well.

Dad said, "Jennifer, we can do many things with these!
Just imagine the possibilities ...."
.... and I did.

We are going to try ones with:
- Chicken, Garlic, white sauce and bacon.
- Chicken, bacon, cheese, & bbq sauce.
- Ham, pineapple, cheese & marinara.
- Pepperoni, cheese & marinara.

It's the simple things in cooking that make me super happy.
I think I am going to go make some Cinnamon Rolls for the morning,
read a little more of "A Whisper in the Wind"
and then head to bed.

Tomorrow is a busy day, which will end on here, since
I am going to try to make this a way for me to sleep easier, and give my
journal a much needed break from my rantings :D

     Stay Lovely,
                       Jennifer.

A first of many.

     This is my first blog since, well, Xanga, which really has been such a long time ago... I hate that you have to choose a name for your blog before you start writing. I suppose if you know already what you want to base your blog on, it would be easy. But if you are like me, who has a serious adversion to all things permanent ... It's hard to choose. So I think I chose something that I knew could carry with me. I chose something that is close to my heart.

     I am not capitvated by anyone on this earth, yet. However, I AM Captivated by my Beloved, my Jesus, my Saviour. He has totally and completely won me over. He is a gentleman, He is protective, He is constant, He is always there for me. He will never leave me, never forget my Birthday. He always gifts me with things, that noone else has. He is my encourager, my shoulder to cry on and has been there for me every day of my life. Yes, it is safe to say that I am Captivated by Him ... It may even be an understatement.

     I guess for my first post, this will be all ... However, if you follow me, thank you. My intentions are to post about dreams, about love, about life. Real, Relevant and Relational. I'll post my journey through life, hoping to inspire someone else. For now? My head hurts, and I have to find a way to Tennessee in May, that I am really, really hoping will happen. I know God will provide! :)

     Stay Lovely,
                   Jennifer.